Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Letters from Steve

Grr, I just wrote this post and now I have to completely re-write it as the internet died as it was saving. GRR.

I don't remember whether I've mentioned Steve before on my blog, but I shall explain. At Carol's wedding, Dan, Iona and I (and some others) came up with a character called 'Steve' who was an invisible guest at the wedding, he signed the guest book and everything, lol. It all started when Iona told us about a girl she'd known briefly who had changed her name from Emma (which was apparently too common) to Ettien (not sure about spelling), which is apparently French for Steve. Anyway, at some point, Steve was made an honourary member of a society that Carol is in at University, consequently he was given an invitation (via Carol) to one of their events. Dan and I met up on Friday and crafted a reply. Or rather, we came up with a short reply to send and a very long, ridiculous one to not send. Dan insists that the latter is the expanded, but equally true, version of the former. I've been really busy this weekend packing and tidying and revising etc. so I forgot to send the reply but I'll probably send it as a belated reply tomorrow. I think the event was today... whoops.

Here is the one I'll send. This is the nice, short, sensible one.

Dearest friends of the [name] Society,

Firstly, I’m very sorry for my late reply, I’ve been travelling around on business and upon my arrival home was pleasantly surprised to have received your invitation to the annual Garden Party. I regret to inform you that I am unable to attend this gathering as I will be out of country on at a kite-flying convention next week. I hope you will accept my deepest apologies for my absence and that you will have a marvellous time. Please have a drink of white wine for me.

Yours Sincerely,

And here is the long letter that we wrote over ice cream. This is the one that I refused to send because it is utterly ludicrous (but quite amusing). Basically, when we were writing the normal one I jotted down all of the daft ideas Dan came out with and then we crammed all of them into this letter. Note - Dan insisted on having the word 'spiffing' in there...

Dear [name] Society,

Thank-you for your invitation to attend your annual Garden Party, it sounds like a spiffing event, however a chain of events has meant that I am unable to attend this gathering.

It all began about a fortnight ago when I was locked in a microwave. I had been making a ready meal and instead of putting the food in, I put myself in the microwave. It appeared I was very tired that day and was having one of those moments, you know those ones, when you end up sticking yourself in the microwave instead of your meal. Whilst spinning around in the microwave, waiting for the ping, I had a lot of time to think. I began to feel like Alice in Wonderland, falling down the rabbit hole, and that’s when it hit me, I wanted to become a woman. My sister, who had just come back from the dead, had warned me off the idea but I saw how much fun she was having, as a woman, now that she was alive, and so I felt that I could have the same experiences if only I was of the female persuasion.

As I was buying the chips (that I was going to put in the microwave instead of myself) with my sister, who had just come back from the dead, I noticed that by using her feminine wiles she was able to receive a free packet of chips from the very attractive young man at the till. While I was in the microwave I realised that I could also get free food if only I were a woman. That is when I decided to have a gender reassignment operation. However, when I looked into my crystal ball, I saw that the days that were available for my operation were also the days in which I would be involved in tragic accidents, resulting in my inability to go to the surgery. Therefore, for now that plan was put on hold. This made me very sad so a friend suggested that we go and play laser quest, a game that I excel at due to my invisibility.

I was still very upset that I had not been able to have my gender reassignment operation and that is when I started drinking my sorrows away. Whilst I was drunk I believed I could do many things - that is when I went to the audition for the part of Mary Poppins. As you may have experienced while you were drunk, you have the feeling that you could launch yourself off a building and fly away. This is why I felt I would be perfect for the part of Mary Poppins as they would need no special effects in order to have me flying away with my umbrella. For some reason, when I auditioned for the part of Mary Poppins in a new film, they still decided to use the special effects, claiming that I did not have magical flying powers, and that in fact I was a drunken old man. Surprisingly, they still offered me the part but strongly suggested that I have the gender reassignment surgery that I had been contemplating, before my first performance.

This is when my dreams of getting free food and playing the part of Mary Poppins as well as getting my gender reassignment surgery would also come true. I finally had the operation that I had dreamed of and changed my name to Emma, the name I would have had if I was born a girl. However, after I had had the surgery and went back to claim the part that should have been mine. They told me that I had looked more like a woman before the surgery and that I was more suited for the part before I became a woman. Consequently they gave the part to a chimp that had escaped from the zoo the previous day as it had caught their attention when featured on the news flying with an umbrella. The only problem with the chimp was that it couldn’t speak so they decided to make the film silent. This was supposed to be released on the 17th of June in cinemas worldwide.

I had been through a lot in my life, particularly in the last two weeks, but this had pushed me over the edge, even after the microwave spinning, gender reassignment surgery and a chimp taking my dream role of Mary Poppins that I had had for the past few days. I returned to my terrible habits of alcoholism and was discovered in a bar by a long lost cousin, who had also returned from the dead. He insisted on me going to a rehabilitation centre.

After my first few days I stumbled upon someone I was not expecting to see. It was none other than the chimp who had stolen my beloved dream role (that I had for a few days). It was that night that I received the call, asking whether I was still available to play the part of Mary Poppins. This news was overwhelming and I exited the rehab program swiftly after a few minute recovery. I have been filming with the crew of Mary Poppins since then and the postponed release of the film is soon to be decided.

With this renewed sense of life I have begun a kite-flying hobby to reflect my love of flying and to help me connect with my dream role in a more realistic way. This is why I will be at a kite-flying convention next Thursday and consequently unable to attend your garden party. I have just looked in my crystal ball and it appears I will not ever be able to meet with you as on Friday the chimp will return, full of vengeance, and poison my spoonful of sugar. It will not help the medicine go down.

If I do not survive, please keep my secret embezzling from my sister as she has only just come back from the dead. Also, try not to tell my cousin as he has even more recently come back from the dead. Additionally please do not tell my uncle of my embezzling as he has also recently come back from the dead. I have just realised that you do not know about my embezzling habit, so just ignore my previous comments (but still don’t tell them anything).

My Sincerest Apologies,

We had so much fun writing this one that Dan and I are considering writing more ridiculous letters from Steve (to other societies, people, etc.) continuing his saga. It shall be fun.

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